Dear Eating Disorder

I initially didn’t understand how you creeped into my mind and body but I have “connected the dots” over the years. As an intersex person/person with variations of sex characteristics (VSC), I lost control over my body before I could even form memories. Surgery was imposed on me, and then my intersex medical history and intersex traits were kept a secret from me. This was ironically an attempt to help me but the opposite occurred. You provided a false sense of control which for many years caused me to spiral out of control. Eventually you became an identity for me, something I latched onto, when I didn’t know who I really was. I began to work against you, realizing what I can do without you. You will be a historical part of my past but you are no longer an identity I wish you to prioritize. Without the eating disorder I am: an advocate, educator, sister, friend, dog mom, and much more.

-Marissa Adams, she/her

Dear Body

Written by Charlie O, he/him/his, 21

Trigger Warning: Self harm, body dysmorphia/dysphoria, chronic illness.

Dear Body,

I’m sorry.

Sorry this is the way it ends. Sorry I had to cut you away in order to transcend.

But we’re just too different

You’re ignorant of my intentions, I neglect your needs

I can’t please us both and you’re not what I thought you’d be

I remember the first time I saw you.

5th grade recess, I was inside, playing chess

Probably cause I’d just come back from hospital,

Stomach full of gauze, feeling like the crumpled gloves they threw away by my bed

And when I looked at the glass, outside to my friends

Instead I saw you.

You were not deflated, or worn out, emaciated, or sullen

You were full and round, and I was captivated.

I was captive.

I couldn’t make a sound, spellbound by this person I had barely seen

Now living around me

From then your influence only grew

We never had love, but I knew there was lust.

Perfection or bust.

I was willing to commit, but you had to adjust.

I couldn’t change people’s thoughts,

So I thought I’d change my size

Convince them I have confidence, drink in the compliments

If people ask questions, just look surprised

I mean why would I share my burden with others?

It’s not theirs to bear,

Doesn’t matter,

Besides,

I’ll lighten the load so they won’t even bother.

For a while we fed off one another

And it was a violent survival.

Before I could realize what I’d done we were left

An exquisite corpse from bits of magazines and my best guess

But I wasn’t happy. And you were not healthy.

So I asked you to help me

We took it apart in order to start fresh

I tried to find body peace in the bloody pieces

But the thing is we can’t write a treaty when the thesis is built on secrets

And lies

Intolerance in disguise

So the loathing within marches forward without me

Bearings held, it’s propelled beyond reach

Compelled by those that preach acceptance

When what they mean is don’t question us

They say everyone’s beautiful

But when they see you, they’re not as sure

Because this body, ended up

A Frankenstein made of you and me

And the truth is that this obsession of mine was just an excuse

To hide a bigger issue, That I hate what people think of you.

But we can’t just part ways

Believe me, I’d astral project to the next plane,

Or transfer my consciousness into a drone

But physics exists,

So we’ve got to persist

No one can do it for us

But we don’t have to do it alone

See, when I was little

I used to ask about love

And my friends would all say that love is a feeling

Freeing and fleeting, founded in just being with each other

But my grandmother, she said it’s something tougher.

She told me, love is a choice.

You wake up in the morning, put on your shoes, and choose love.

You watch the clouds forming, hoping they break up and you choose love.

You come home soaking, and take his breakfast milk out from your coat

Because before he even knows there’s rain you chose love.

And the next day you’ll do it all over again.

So maybe I won’t ever feel like we fit.

Some days, I might get sick of the ups and downs,

And I don’t like when you change shit around

But we’ll get through it

Because I’m not sorry I choose you,

Love, Charlie

Affirmation Through Recovery

Written by Elliot Jozy Dillow (they/them)

I am in recovery from an eating disorder. I am also recovering from top surgery. If you told me at the start of this year that all this would happen by July, I would have said, “No way.” In January, I was sicker than I had ever been. I was about to enter residential treatment, dreaming of the far-off day when I could get gender affirming surgery. Now, here I am, having reached a place of recovery from my eating disorder and having gotten the surgery I wanted, needed, and deserved.

What I want to tell any trans person with an eating disorder is that recovery is worth the fight. It is possible to get to a place where you can access surgery. The process of reaching for your dreams is every bit as wonderful as you might imagine. 

I am not here to tell you that eating disorder treatment is easy. However, it is worth all the discomfort, hardship, and inconvenience. It changed my life, and for that I am forever grateful. I went in for my latest round of treatment in January. (I am not embarrassed to say this was not my first time in treatment. Relapses happen.) I was already out as non-binary, and I knew that being affirmed in my identity was essential to getting the most out of my treatment experience. I was not going to recover without this affirmation. You could say that my life depended on it. I was fortunate enough to have wonderfully affirming experiences at both my residential and day treatment levels of care. Because of that, I was able to focus on recovery. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

One fortunate occurrence led to another. Because of my solid work in ED recovery, I was cleared to undergo top surgery. It turns out, the people at the treatment centers who told me they were on my side and wanted to see me get the surgery I needed were ACTUALLY ON MY SIDE all along! Who knew? I sometimes feel alone as a transgender person. Other times, I realize that I am not alone. There are people looking out for me, helping me, and hoping for all my dreams to come true. 

Now that I have had top surgery, I am here to say, it lives up to the hype. My body is mine. My body is home. I have never felt as in sync with it as I do now. I have also never felt this free, and I have never felt so much joy being me. My eating disorder recovery is what gave me this opportunity. If you asked me, “What is the best gift you have ever given yourself?” it’s a tie! The best gifts I have given myself are seeking treatment for my ED and getting top surgery. Both of these decisions show respect for my trans identity and my body. They also make me proud of who I am.